Thursday, February 28, 2013

February 2013 -- Personal Blog Post 6

Untangling My Life

I am here at home for the first time in a long while (about three months) on-line! I have been using the space downstairs which is a combination meditation-wellness-tai chi center. I know that sounds a little out there, but it be. 

But a lot has to say about having my privacy back. I kinda went over board and stayed up on line later than I wanted to last night though, which is not good for my insomnia. I even got up earlier and jumped back on line. I am having some downloading problems with YouTube. Which sucks. Hopefully it will resolve it self soon like it usually does. 

It is really all thanks to my mom that i got my internet back at my home. I am so incredibly grateful for what she did for me, I can't even explain. But I am working my ass off to get my life together so that all the wonderful things she does, not only for me, but for so many other people...doesn't get wasted. 

It is fucking hard to get my life together, because I have struggled with mental illness and i have realized for the past eight or nine years I have been getting shitty help for it from my therapist (she on the other hand.. is great though, honestly. In another life time I would love to be her friend or her daughter. Her methods to helping me with my issues are shitty. NOT her.

So now I am on the verge of recovery sort-a-say. 

But I don't even know if the things that I am doing is going to work permanently... all i can do is try. I really have nothing to lose and nothing but time. But having "the illness" i sometimes feel it is not good enough what i am doing and i am wasting my time trying to "save" myself. But I got to and want to keep on trying. My passion for life and my mom believing in me keeps telling me to go on..keep it up...I'm doing a pretty good job. I have picked my self off of the floor so many times though, that it feels like maybe that is just my thing. I don't want it to be. i do feel more balanced lately, i guess. Although i DO have to remember to breath and rest SO many points of the day.

I still have to see my therapist though... i have taken a hiatus from her. It doesn't seem to faze her, which is part of the problem. she never helped me with any of my weight, social, clutter, verbal, or family issues. But it isn't cause she doesn't care she just doesn't know how to i think. I need to do the work to change, I need help but I feel that she is not the person to help me with that. I know it is a personal thing and should be doing it on my own, but it is not like she is some stranger from off the street. she is my therapist who gets paid a butt load of money , i am guessing, to help me.... not sit across from me talking endlessly. I guess these "personal blogs" have taken her place whether someone reads them or not. i need to figure things out and this seem to be helping a bit. 

I literally don't know how this entry went from one subject to a totally different one...but I guess that is the beauty of blogs, at least this's not an essay to be graded by someone. I started this blog (and youtube channel and pinterest) to express my self. I might have mentioned that i have been abandoned my the closest people in my life, leaving me doubting every part of my existence. My life, mind, body, soul and mind have been shattered on so many occasions, that it is ridiculous. So I am just doing my best to learn to cope with life that has kick my ass.

It is too soon to say whether or not i will "recover", really. If I will wake up one day a totally confident women, going on dates and have a family...oh how i would love kids!.....I kinda want those things but being in this saving my self mode makes having those things seem like it is for people other than me. It is not my goal to bag a man, but to get healthy at this point in my life. It has been for over a decade though which kind of worries me if this is my life and that is all there is for me. I'm learning to keep doing the things i love (even if it is when i am by myself) and not let those worried bog me down. Here is hoping!

Peace and Love,

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