Monday, February 18, 2013

February 2013 -- Personal Blog Pt. 2

 ~ Moving On ~

Happy Presidents Day! That is not the reason why I am doing a personal blog post today though, it is just a happy little bonus I guess. I went to the movies solo yesterday. I saw the movie Identity Thief with plus size actress Melissa McCarthy. I really needed a laugh. I have been having the roughest surprise there. But this time, I decided to do something about it. Even though I dread going pretty much any where especially the movies, I went. I got to get over it. I got to move on with my life. It feels weird. So weird. Mainly because I'm doing it alone. I mean I am always alone, but this feels like i am on a trek to save my life.

 I feel that the people in my life have been stifling my growth. Whether they are doing unconsciously (which I think is most likely the case) or not, they are doing it. To break free of the limitations and expectations of what I should be or who I am -- to be who I truely am and want to be is fucking scary! And fucking hard!

And to be utterly alone in it all is just plan torture but necessary. and hopfully soon... It wont feel like torture. it feel like i am on the brink of a break down but and break through. It wont feel like I am out there clawing my way through life but living my life gracfully, beautifully and peacfully.

On the verge of changing my self seems impossible and with the folks in my life who don't really want me to change because maybe it is a threat, it sucks. I want to change so I can be the best me. Be confident for the first time in my entire life. Not to be "better" than any one. HELL NO! 

But it was so easy for people in my life to see me as quiet and compliment to everything. Which is understandable. But is was not easy for me. 

And that brings me to my ma and part of the reason why I have been having a hard time. She is NOT dealing with it the best. And it has been really hard for me not to go to her and do what ever she wants me to do in order for her to be happy and not mad at me. But that is the funny thing about changing oneself...its gonna piss off a lot of people. But i got to be ok with it. and that is yet again, sounds silly that I can't just do that, but being a reformed people is so indescribably hard not to.anyways... it just sucks that it is my ma. I don't like not talking to her ALL  together. But she made that choice. Yes i do need a break away from her form time to time to breath and reconnect with my self...but i always keep the relationship (even though it is hard) open. I accept her, but she doesn't accept me.

She was the worst stifler of all...always talking never listing...stifling my voice. And so she has decided that she didn't like the new me I am trying to be and has stopped calling. I put boundaries up for her, and instead of respecting them, she decided to stop talking to me all together. She is probably the most afraid of change and growth person I know fiction or not. She held on to my father leaving her with for kids well into my adult hood. Never taking charge of her life.... and lives through her kids to make her feel valuable. It  is more than overwhelming. it is suffercating. and is unnatural. My brother lives with her, and I swear it seems like they are a married couple.

OK...enough about my ma. back to me. :)

I went to the movies. It felt strange. people were acting strange literally, it wasn't in my head. But I am learning the art of ignoring. In moving on .....Ignorance is going to be my best friend unfortunately  I can't let the nasty stares and rude behavior scare me back into being "small". 

So as I was going to the movies and whitle at the movies, I tried my damnest to make it all about me. And that sounds easy, but isn't  I notice everything, the noise, crowd, everything is just to much for me.  I drank some booze ;) that helped a bit. But still it was allot to deal with for me. But somehow I watched the movie with some strangers, got the heck outta there and took the train home.

 It is a baby step, a big-ass-baby step!

I can now breath again for the next challenge. I was actually thinking about making a a monthly thing for me..going to the movies.

Doing the things I love to do may be hard for me for a while, but it will be enjoyable soon ( I hope). And with doing so, I will move on finally! 

Peace & Love,

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